Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize