I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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