You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
