I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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