dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
