I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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