He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
