the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
