mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
