His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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