Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
