what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
