i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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