I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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