There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
