So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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