I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
