Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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