the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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