This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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