I want to have your abortion
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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