guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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