also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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