Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
