you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
