when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
