tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
