The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
