New invention idea: vibrating tampons
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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