Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
