the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
