Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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