if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
