Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
