I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
