i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
