totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
