I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
