next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
50% drunk capacity currently
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
