My sheets look like a crime scene.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
