Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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