This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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