Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
