i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
