My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's never too late to be topless.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
