shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
