I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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