I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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