I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
