She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
