My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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