tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
