I think im going to throw up on grandma
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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