Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
