im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
