I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
